“I been in this game for years. It made me an animal.
There’s rules to this sh!t. I wrote me a manual.
A step-by-step booklet for you to get … your game on track …
Not your wig pushed back.”
The Notorious BIG
Once the domain of tweens and teens
Texting is now dominating the business landscape. Even worse, people are texting with reckless abandon. So what’s a text-crazed drama mama and drama papa supposed to do? Respect the Texting Commandments!
- Thou shall not text thy work wives or work husbands from home! The downside here is so freaking obvious … that if you can’t see it. Text on!
- Turn off any text-related sounds. And definitely DO NOT have specific sounds for specific people (inside or outside of the office). Not only will everyone know that you are goofing off … everyone will quickly figure out who you are goofing off with!
- Keep your phone covered or face down. Colleagues seem to love reading your texts when they pop up. Trust me, you don’t want people knowing your personal business. Last thing you want is the Town Crier telling everyone that your pharmacy just automatically refilled your Viagra or Cialis script or even worse … your mother just found your Swedish-made penis enlarger pump (Austin Powers Approved! See clip here).
- Related to Commandment #3, do not leave your phone lying around while you go to the bathroom or wander off somewhere. There’s a reason that curiosity killed the cat. Some of your peers may think it funny to scroll through your phone and read your texts, as well as sending texts from your phone. (Nothing good ever comes from leaving your device un-womaned or un-manned).
- Never Sh!t talk anyone related to work … especially via text … at work—including but not exclusively: the owners, managers, and peers. Also include: clients, vendors, competitors and of course regulators. The texts always seem funny until they are recovered by Smarsh and show up in the Wall Street Journal or even worse … in a complaint filed by the Department of Justice!
- Never send pictures. Period! This is a slippery slope that can only end in misery and tears. Imagine how much fun it will be explaining to your wife that you got rinsed for sharing a picture of that funny birthmark on your nutsack.
- If you are too stubborn or inebriated to heed Commandment #6, I’ll say this slowly … Do Not take pictures of colleagues while they are in a compromised state. What seemed hilarious last night will become a lawsuit in the morning. I’ll not only bet on it. I’ll bet my year’s bonus on it.
- The firm’s device is not your device. Just like the firm’s lawyer is not your lawyer. Keep communications on corporate devices corporate.
- No Tattle Texting. You know it’s vexing. Why further perpetuate a toxic environment. Telling Jason that Max just passed off his work to Pascal doesn’t help anyone. Furthermore, it takes more people offline to waste time. (We’ll do the math later.)
- Texting in the bathroom. Just say no. “Hell to the no!” (à la Whitney Houston). Many pitfalls here. Too many to list … but here’s a few:
- Sticky Fingers: Texters’ phones do slip out of their hands and fall into piles of waste. What’s worse? Even if you’re gully enough to go in there and take it out, the magic of automatic flushing has broken more than a few hearts. 💔
- What’s Cracking: Spacing out and misjudging the distance to the urinal has resulted in several shattered screens. What’s worse? Fishing your cracked device out of some dude’s frothy whiz. 🎣
- P!ssed on / P!ssed off: Not paying attention to the task at hand and peeing on your pants. What’s worse? Believe it or not, there’s a story of a guy who was so engrossed in texting that he joined another guy at the urinal and peed on the other guy’s pants. Yeah … didn’t go over well. Was a firm client. Bladow, how ya like me now? 😡
What’s the point? Respect the Texting Commandments!